All Change Is Self-Change

We sometimes fall prey to the illusion that we can change others, that a convincing argument will change their mind or that a friendly piece of advice will get them to change some longstanding habit. But then we realize that arguments—no matter how convincing—rarely change minds, and that if someone doesn’t want to alter their habits or practices it usually doesn’t happen, and even when we want to change a habit, it can require a strong force of will to do so. But if our roles in life require us to be change agents (e.g., parents, teachers, coaches, and managers are all in some way expected to be change agents) what are we then to do? Realize first of all that it is your relation with the person you are helping to change that plays the biggest role in whether they will try to change. You need to have accurate empathy, meaning you need to truly understand who they are and what they are feeling. You also need to accept them for who they are— no matter their defects—and this acceptance has to be conveyed. One also needs to genuinely care about the people you are serving. Teachers, therapists and coaches who clearly care about their students, clients and athletes get more done than those who are detached (which comes across as not caring). And finally, one needs to have a sense of hope and positive expectancy.

Pessimism almost always leads to poor outcomes.

– Christopher Simon